Max’s Top 5 Tips for surviving school during a pandemic

In a school year unlike any other, I’ve had a couple opportunities to share some student guides here on The North Star; however, through my personal experience as an ONHS student, I’ve gathered some truly dependable advice for school during a pandemic. Here are my top five tips:

1.) 100% of Germs

We’ve all seen the ads for sanitizer or cleaner that “ kills 99.9% of germs.” Well, in the time of COVID-19, that just won’t cut it. When considering our safety, we can’t take any chances, so I recommend using nitric acid. By replacing typical hand cleaners with one of the harshest acids known to man, you can rest assured that absolutely nothing will survive the wake of its burning sensation. Why not use it to clean everything? Just one spray of this stuff and it’ll kill germs (as well as practically everything else it touches) all day!

2.) Social Distance Ring

With everyone back in school, it can be much more difficult to protect your personal space. However, after months of work and painstaking effort, The North Star Research and Development team has created what we can guarantee to be the most effective and elegant solution: the Social Distance Ring™! What the new product lacks in portability and visibility, it makes up for tenfold in safety and style! What are you waiting for? Become a master of social distancing with Social Distance Ring™!

3.) Back to Bubblers

Have you had trouble adjusting to not being able to use typical drinking fountains? Apart from those used to fill bottles, all of North’s bubblers are currently out of commission. Believe it or not, while not quite as convenient, bottle-filler fountains can be just as effective as typical fountains. Although you’ll end up with more in your eyes than in your mouth, with enough practice, you can drink as much as half the dispensed water.

4.) Keeping Hydrated

Tired of having to wear your mask all day? Well, it turns out you don’t have to! The OASD’s 2020-21 Handbook specifically states, “students may remove their masks when eating or drinking.” While eating is prohibited anywhere but the commons and cafeteria, students are free to drink beverages with caps anywhere and at any time. So stock up that H2O! As long as you’re constantly drinking, you can kiss stuffy masks goodbye for good!

5.) Meal Steal

The pandemic threw much of daily routine off the tracks. Maybe you skipped breakfast, or maybe you’re just a little extra hungry. With this year’s free lunches and a little bit of stealth, you’ll end up with twice the chow of the typical, rule-abiding student. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Make your way through the lunch line as usual.

2. Apply facial disguise.

3. Make your way through the lunch line again, holding your first tray inconspicuously behind your back.

4. Eat quickly; you had less than half an hour, and these shenanigans left you with 15 minutes tops.

Tired of COVID-19 inconveniences? I know I am, so follow these five tips, and you’ll hardly be able to notice that a pandemic is raging around you!